Pasqualle, our simi-pro racer of questionable international origin, has many flaws. (He hates historical fiction, for instance.) But for all his misguided views and debatable fashion sense, Pasqualle does have a true love of coffee. It is his religion, his obsession, the one thing above all others where he insists upon perfection. He has literally brought his own hand-crank burr grinder to my house so that I could properly prepare his pre-ride cappuccino, literally.

What follows, is another passage from Pasqualles yet-to-be-published manuscript about the cycling life, Il Chat del Giorno. It should provide a suitable window to have open next to your porn in case you have to switch real quick.

Il Coffee Stop.

Coffee and cycling go together like Riccardo Ricco and full retard. The two are inextricably linked and often mutually exclusive. The monotony of a motor pacing session behind Valentino Rossi can be easily broken up with a well placed pausa at a coffee shop. The cycling equivalent of the office water cooler, the coffee stop allows for gossip exchange, a venue to show off new threads and of course the opportunity to imbibe that delicious nectar we call espresso.

Inherently cyclists are a fickle bunch. We obsess over saving the weight equivalent of half a power bar at the cost of half a Panerai. I’ve seen old fashioned “Take 15 Paces and Aim” duels fought over whether Campagnolo is a superior gruppo to Shimano. For those curious, the Campagnolo man won, while more expensive, his dueling pistol was far more beautiful and constructed with more passion delivering a crisper firing action and more sensual results. Ergo, it’s no surprise that the pursuit of a decent coffee shop is a serious matter necessitating extreme focus, relentless persistence and a palette that don’t want no scrubs.

The location and ambiance of a desired coffee stop is of paramount importance. The venue must lay claim to ample outdoor seating where the presentation of the cycling body can be laid forth with supreme impressiveness. Ideally a yoga or pilates studio should be close by as multiple scientific studies conducted by numerous well respected scientists have shown that female practitioners of Eastern flexibility workouts are 74% more interested in men in tight clothing than the average woman and that number then jumps to 82% when caffeine ingestion is occurring simultaneously. It’s science, literally 100% factually accurate science that is impossible to argue with. The post ride dismount and pre-coffee shop entrance can be a particularly harrying time for the discerning cyclist. Helmet hair is a bitch lover that rears her ugly head when you least expect it and the collection of mucus, saliva and road grime that live in the corners of mouths all combine for a one way ticket into Fred’dom. Knowing this it’s imperative that the chosen coffee stop maintains shop front windows with near mirror perfect reflective properties allowing for the application of cycling caps and the requisite amount of primp and preening before even considering entering the business. Ideally the location will be consistently bathed in the warming glow of the sun allowing for the further searing of tan lines and providing a flattering light to accentuate ones features. Available reading materials aren’t absolutely necessary but if current issues of La Gazzetta dello Sport are on hand you are probably already in a happy place. The staccato click clacking of cycling cleats on hardwood floors can border closely to Chinese water torture so it’s important that the cafe del giorno have acceptable music gracing the ether, Vivaldi, Frank Sinatra and anything from “La Course en Tetê” is passable. Once tolerable conditions have been achieved it’s time to get down to the business at hand… espresso.

Even with the perfect application of all the previously mentioned elements they can all be for not if the espresso is rifuti. A perfectly prepared coffee isn’t just a beverage as much as it is an experience, an escape, the realization of the finer things in life. Much like a perfectly tuned bicycle, the perfectly prepared espresso drink is the culmination of various elements all performed and perfected with the utmost dedication and passion. The selection of the proper beans is where this caffeinated house of cards finds its foundation. A roast not too bitter or sharp yet at the same time bold enough to remind you that milk and sugar is for the kids. The perfect grind is where many espresso drinks meet there demise before they even began. Too fine and barely any water will pass through resulting in a severely bitter extraction, too coarse and the espresso will flow from the machine with the same ease as Richard Virenque’s tears. With the marriage of the proper grind and superior beans an intensely conceived love child is brought forth spilling southward into the awaiting arms of its ceramic mother, swirling hypnotically into a twisted melange of rich browns and blondes, the consistency like motor oil, the aroma immediately recognizable and invigorating. At this point a decision is made whether to take the elixir straight up or with milk.

Ciclisto: I’ll take a cappuccino
Barrista: Sorry?
Ciclisto: A cappuccino
Barrista: Lunch time is over sir
Ciclisto: Bravo barrista, I’ll take a macchiato

It is imperative to know milk and espresso keep very different hours from one another. Ordering a cappuccino or latte after lunch is much like wearing your bibs over your jersey. You’re letting everyone around you know social conventions mean nothing to you and you maintain little respect for that which is sacred. A macchiato is acceptable if milk is a must but generally speaking it’s espresso straight up with a shot of grappa if you have hair on your chest.

The exploration of your inner fortitude while on the bike is a never-ending pursuit littered with the ups and downs of triumph and disappointment. It can be a lonely road with few friends and even fewer motivations at times. Bad weather, unruly drivers and unforeseen catastrophes can all combine to either tear you down or make you stronger. The suffering endured on the road is what makes the coffee stop such a welcomed respite. For a brief moment the world around you embraces you and tells you it understands your plight. That first sip of caffe warms the soul and washes away the trauma of hill repeats in the rain. The coffee stop is there to let you unwind, to recharge and to bask in the achievement that is your subscription to a different way of life. So sit back, let the sun brown your skin and hold your dainty mugs high in a salute to being fantastic. Cin Cin.

That’s all for now.

Remember to party,

Lanolin

The Steeplechase Disc frame has been hanging sadly bare at Ritte Lab for weeks now but is finally finished up. We did a lot of  waiting for parts to arrive from various exotic locals, like Utah and New Jersey, but in the end all those bad ass this and thats came together to create another absolutely brilliant bike. The Steeplechase Disc is a mutated version of the standard Steeplechase, which you can see below, where I’ve posted some pics of it leaning against a 200 foot long mural around the corner from our office that was paid for by the taxpayers of Santa Monica exclusively to serve as a backdrop for our pictures.

Now I’m proud of all or bikes but these new stainless rigs have my head spinning and my loins all up in a bunch. From a performance perspective, they are, without qualification, the best hand-made frames in the world. Vanilla may have a 5-year waiting list, but these bad boys are rolling out the door every couple of weeks, making grown men’s fantasies come true. To help spread the word, we’ve started to engage in PR, which I’m told stands for “Public Relations.” Apparently PR involves asking somebody popular (like a magazine, website or local hooker) to check out your bike and then hopefully tell their friends/fans/johns about how dope it is. I’m somehow intrinsically not wired for that kind of salesy bullshit. But, despite myself, we have stumbled upon a few willing reviewers, like the fine chaps at Cyclocross Magazine, who posted a glowing review of the Steeplechase. (I personally am quite used to hearing terms like “counter-intuitive,” “insane” and “backwards” in reference to my general line of thinking and have found that doing things 180 degrees from usual is often exactly the right direction.)

If you’re interested in getting yourself a Steeplechase or one of our other Ritte Lab bikes for yourself, please contact a Ritte dealer or fill out our custom request form.

And as always, please remember to party.

Lanolin

The Cyclocross scene here in Southern California doesn’t have the mud, cold and misery that racers in other parts of the country enjoy. So SoCalCross promoter Dorthy Wong had an idea that would make December’s UCI weekend in Downtown LA just as miserable as the sub zero conditions they have in Wisconsin. Alan “Danger” Zinniker (author of thehandup.com) secured victory in the single speed race after the rhino slowed to gore the rider in 2nd.

Can’t wait to see what Dorthy has in mind for next weekend.

Party,

Lanolin